Who We Are
by ilovekendallschmidt
Summary: What really happened to Kendall's dad? We've all wondered it. This is my story. The first fanfic I'm posting on here. Please review!
1. Chapter 1

January 13, 2012

_Today would've been dad's birthday. January 13__th__ has been a hard day for me and Katie for the past 9 years, but it's been even harder on mom._

_My favorite memories of dad are from the rink. The first time he brought me there and I couldn't keep my balance; the day he taught me how to hit the puck; our one-on-one games every weekend; the first goal I scored against him; the time he checked me and I had to be x-rayed (dad always played rough, even against a 7-year-old boy)._

_I still remember spending our Saturdays and Sundays on the ice, just the two of us. No one else dared to play against us. We were the undefeatable team!_

_Everything I know about hockey comes from my dad. I wouldn't be an amazing player today if it weren't for his skills. He never gave up on me, no matter how much I cried, "I wanna go home!" or "I'll never be as good as you!" He saw the potential in me when no one else could._

_My first memory of him is from when I was young. Three years old?_

_Mom had finally decided to let me come to one of dad's games. He was doing great out there! By the end of the first half, he had scored seven goals, and he wasn't planning on stopping there._

_But when the next quarter started, one of the men from the other team ran toward him instead of the puck and started beating him up. Mom covered my eyes, and I could hear her trying not to cry. When she uncovered my eyes five minutes later, all I saw was a blood stain on the ice where my dad used to be._

_I wasn't allowed to see him for a week while he was in the hospital. When he came home, he was bruised all over and was walking on crutches. Mom said she wouldn't let him play on his team anymore. On the other hand, I wanted to be just like him when I grew up._

_That was the longest I'd ever gone without seeing him at all. That is until that terrible day- January 24__th__, 2003- the day of the snowstorm…oh, today's hard enough for me. I shouldn't even think about that day right now._

_Mom and Katie are in their pajamas, watching TV in my mom's room right now. It's only 6 o'clock, but I'm not sure they even got dressed at all today._

_James, Logan, and Carlos left us the apartment to ourselves. They knew that we needed to be alone._

_I'm on my way to the rink right now. I need to get some of my anger and frustration out, and what better way than to slap a hockey puck as hard as you can? I feel bad leaving mom and Katie alone. But they'll understand. They always do._


	2. Chapter 2

The date is January 23, 2003. Kendall is 8 and Katie is 3. The kids and their parents sit at a dinner table that is set with plates of spaghetti and meatballs.

Kendall dug into his food right away. His parents laughed at his face that was covered in red sauce.

"Daddy, can you take me to the rink tomorrow night?" Kendall asked.

"Sorry kiddo," he responded. "I'm leaving for Florida tonight, remember? Business trip."

"But daddy," Kendall whined, "I've been practicing soooooooo hard!"

"I know, and you're making great progress. No reason you can't go without me." Kendall made a pouty face. "It's just for this week, alright?" Kendall wouldn't budge. "And I'll take you as soon as I get back, okay?" Kendall was still mad but nodded lightly and continued to eat.

Mrs. Knight looked over at her husband with a worried look. "Are you sure about this trip? The weather's awfully bad."

Mr. Knight looked at her, stubbornly. "And just how do you expect me to get out of this. My flight leaves in four hours! How can I tell my boss _now_ that I'm not going? I'll be fired."

His words brought a silence into the room. Kendall stopped eating; Katie just stared at him; Mrs. Knight looked down at her plate. Finally, Mr. Knight broke the silence.

"I'm sorry. It's just that I have something I need to do- dangerous or not dangerous- and if I don't go, I'll lose my job.. I'm sorry, but it's necessary."

After dinner, Kendall ran over to the window in front of his house and saw piles of snow on the ground. And the best part was, it was still coming down!

Mr. Knight came down the stairs carrying a brief case in one hand and Katie in his other arm. Mrs. Knight followed them, carrying two suitcases. He put Katie down, put on his winter coat, and opened the door. A strong wind blew some snow into the house.

Katie screamed, "Bye bye, Dada!" and ran to play in the snow that was now on the living room carpet.

Kendall grabbed his hockey stick that his dad had given him for Christmas and poked him with it. "Keep practicing," his dad said, then hugged him. Kendall nodded and hugged him back. "Have fun in Florida, Daddy! I bet it's gonna be warm there!"

"Oh, it'll be really warm," he responded with a chuckle. "Love you, buddy."

"Love you too," he yelled as he dashed out of the room to call his friends.

Mrs. Knight hugged her husband and whispered, "Are you sure?"

Mr. Knight whispered back, "I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm not too comfortable with the idea, but Minnesota has storms like this all the time. These pilots are well trained." He kissed her on the cheek and whispered, "Don't worry the kids. I'm coming home in a week, and don't you forget it." Then, he smiled and walked out the door.

Kendall ran back into the room with a phone in his hand. "Mommy, can James and Carlos come over?" he asked.

"No sweetie," she said. "It's late and you have school tomorrow."

He whined and went back into the kitchen to talk to his friends.

Later that night, Kendall was jumping up and down on the couch in his pajamas, yelling, "SNOW SNOW SNOW!" Mrs. Knight made him stop so he wouldn't wake up Katie. When he wouldn't stop, she put him in bed.

About an hour later, Kendall gave up on trying to sleep and tiptoed over to his window. There was at least a foot of snow on the ground, and it was still rising.

He looked into his parents' room that was right across the hall from his own. His mom was curled up into a ball, hugging a pillow, with her eyes glued to the TV. He saw her close her eyes and start to pray at 10 o'clock, the time his dad's flight was supposed to take off.

**A/N: Ok, hope you liked it. Either way, please review! Chapter 3 is on the way. And sorry if there's any mistakes. Didn't check it very thoroughly.**


	3. Chapter 3

Kendall awoke early the next morning, around dawn, to the sound of sniffling in his parents' room. He slowly opened his eyes and looked out the window. There was a lot of snow, so maybe she was sick.

In a quiet, shaky voice, he heard his mom say, "I told you not to go. Why didn't you listen to me? Why didn't you listen?"

Kendall slowly sat up and listened closer. He could hear the soft sound of a TV behind the crying. He crawled out of bed and walked as quietly as he could across the hall.

He caught his mom with her face buried in a pillow and tears streaming down the sides of her cheeks. She heard him come in and wiped some of the tears from her face. She rubbed her red, puffy eyes and forced a smile onto her face, but it almost immediately disappeared.

"Mommy?" Kendall was worried. He had never seen his mom like this before. Her face was red, and her eyes were watery and bloodshot. She hit the mute button on the remote.

She sniffled, then spoke with a raspy voice, "Kendall. Sweetie, come her." She held her arms out, and Kendall sat on her lap and let his mom wrap her arms around him. They sat there in silence for a minute until Mrs. Knight had enough energy to speak again.

"Kenny, I need to talk to you," she said. She bit her lips and swallowed tears. "Daddy…his plane crashed last night."

Kendall was so stunned by these words that he was frozen, staring at a wall. No sadness, no fear, no emotion. He caught himself after a minute and asked, "But Daddy's okay, right?"

Mrs. Knight closed her eyes tight to hold back a flood of tears. She could hardly handle the pain of telling her little boy such awful news. "No, baby. Kendall…Daddy died."

At that moment, Kendall felt a surge of emotions come all at once: confusion, anger, sadness, pain. His eyes watered, and his whole body felt cold and numb. "DADDY!" he screamed as loud as he could. His mom kissed his head and let a few tears slip out.

Kendall slipped out of his mom's arms and ran into his room. He took his pillow and threw it at the window. Then, he laid face down and started to scream. A flood of uncontrollable tears followed.

Mrs. Knight stood in the doorway to his room and watched the young boy kick and scream and cry. She was crying silently beside him.

Katie toddled into the room. "Kenny, what wrong?" she asked in a cute little voice, barely audible above Kendall. Mrs. Knight ran over to her and told her to go back to bed. "But what wrong with Kenny?" she asked.

"I'll tell you later," she responded. "Go back to sleep." Katie toddled back out and into her bedroom. Kendall screamed, "DADDY! DADDY! NO, NO, NO NO!" Mrs. Knight walked over, sat on his bed, and rubbed his back.

He stopped screaming and kicking. The anger and frustration were gone. He just wanted his Daddy back. The only sound left in the room was Kendall gasping as he lifted his head up and looked at his mom through his tears.

In a quiet voice, he said, "Daddy, no, D-daddy. Why? Why did he d-do this to m-me?"

His mom tried to sound calm, but her voice sounded distressed. "I don't know, baby. I don't know why he had to leave us."

He sat up, and they hugged. After a long time, he asked, "What happened? Why did they crash?"

Mrs. Knight brushed the hair off of his forehead. "The snow," she began and cleared her throat. "It was too heavy. His flight was delayed 3 hours. They decided that it was safe to take off. The winds only got worse from there. The snow was blowing so hard that the pilot couldn't see out the window. They crashed into a patch of trees, not far from the airport." She stopped to catch her breath. Kendall stared up at her intently, tears silently falling out of his eyes. She finished, "When the rescue squad got there, they said some had died from the impact and some had frozen to death."

"What happened to Daddy?" Kendall asked.

"I don't know," she answered. "They couldn't identify anybody. Would you like to go watch the news?" Kendall nodded and got up. They walked hand-in-hand into Mrs. Knight's room.

They were laying under the covers of the bed together, Kendall on her lap. They watched the news all day, not getting up even to eat. They didn't need to eat. They had no appetite.

That night, Kendall brought his pillow into his mom's room and slept on what used to be his dad's side of the bed. Katie asked to sleep with them, but Mrs. Knight said no. Kendall needed her more than ever.

His mom fell asleep in a few hours. She hadn't gotten any sleep the night before. Kendall was up all night, though. He couldn't stop shivering, but he wasn't cold. Or scared. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw his dad's smiling face, so he kept them open. All night.

**A/N: Oh, poor Kendall! This made me cry when I was writing it **_**and **_**when I read it over. I hate to see any little kid like this!**

**Let me know what you think so far. R/R! Thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

Ch.4

The next day, Mrs. Knight woke up at 7 o'clock to find her son staring at the blank TV screen. "Kendall?" she asked nervously. "Are you alright?"

Without moving, he asked, "When is Daddy coming home?" She didn't respond, so he turned to her and gave her an angry look. "I said, when's Daddy coming home?"

Mrs. Knight put her hand on his shoulder. "Do you remember what happened yesterday?"

Kendall's angry eyes turned weak and sad. He nodded. He took his pillow, headed to his room, and slammed the door behind him. For the rest of the day, he lay on his bed crying, occasionally asking his dad why he left or when he will be back.

At dinner time, his mom knocked on his door. "Go away!" he yelled at her.

"But I have peanut butter and jelly," she said in the cheeriest voice she could muster up. "It's your favorite."

"I'm not hungry!" he yelled back. "And I said go away!"

She opened his door slowly and walked over to him with a plate and a juice box. "Sweetie, you've got to eat. It's unhealthy if you don't." He didn't respond, so she left his meal on the table next to the bed. "When I come back, that sandwich better be gone." She walked out and shut the door.

Kendall ignored the plate for a while. He just laid there and cried. Then, he realized his mother would eventually be back to check on him. So he got out of bed for the first time that day, picked up the plate, walked over to the window, opened it, and dropped the sandwich- on its glass plate- from his second story room. It shattered when it passed through the snow and hit the soil underneath, but he ignored it and closed the window and the shades. He went back to bed.

An hour later, his mom came in to check on him. She saw his sandwich was gone…and so was the dish. "Kendall, how are you doing?" He didn't answer. "I'm glad to see the sandwich is gone." He still said nothing. "So, where's the plate?" He pointed to the window.

"What is it?" she asked, thinking he wanted to show her something. She opened the shades and stared out into the dark night. "What?" she asked again. Then, she looked down and saw her dish shattered in the garden and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich sitting in the snow.

She walked back over to him, and he turned over and hid his face in his pillow. "Kendall!" she screamed as she stood next to him. "How dare you! I don't care how sad you are! You are in big, big trouble!"

Kendall turned over and looked at his mom. His eyes were filled with a look of fear and pain. Mrs. Knight suddenly saw that all the innocence in her son's eyes had drained out.

Her face lightened, and she took a seat on the edge of the bed. "I didn't mean to yell," she said, rubbing his hair. "I'm sorry. This is a tough time on you, I know. No one should ever have to go through this. However, that is no excuse to misbehave. You're going to have to follow the rules, no matter how sad you are. That sound okay?" Kendall nodded. Mrs. Knight kissed him and walked out.

For the next three weeks, Kendall locked himself in his room. He ate there, slept there, listened to music there, and played handheld video games there. But most of his time there was spent crying.

The first week, he did nothing but cry. The second week, he cried half of the time, and the other half he played video games or listened to CDs. The third week, all he did was stare at the wall across from his bed. He didn't want to move. He didn't want to do anything. Sometimes he wished he had gotten on the plane with his father…

One day, he had a flashback of their last trip to the hockey rink. Kendall's dad had been winning 4-1 that day. After his fourth goal, he made an amazing shot from the center of the rink. He hit it once, and it went in the goal. He promised to teach Kendall how to play like him someday.

That's when the anger came back. And it came back in such a sudden burst that it made Kendall jump up. He ran to his closet where he had left the hockey stick that his dad gave him. He grabbed it, opened the shades, and threw it through the window. All the glass was now shattered on the floor and outside.

Mrs. Knight heard the crash from her room. "Oh no," she said softly. "Kendall!" she cried. There was no answer, so she ran into his room, panic-stricken. "Kendall!"

She found him standing, looking out the window, breathing heavily.

"Okay, okay," she said, trying to calm him down. She walked over and hugged him, then carried him back to his bed, being careful not to step on the glass. She set him down, and they sat next to each other. "So tell me what happened."

"Daddy never taught me," he replied. "He said he was gonna teach me. He lied to me!"

"Teach you what?" she asked.

"How to play hockey like him. I wanted to be like him. But he lied! He said he was coming back! He didn't come back! He didn't play hockey with me again like he promised! I hate him!"

Mrs. Knight hugged Kendall. "Don't say that. If you meant that, then you wouldn't miss him so much." Kendall thought this over for a moment, then started sobbing with his face on his mom's shoulder. "Now tell me what happened to your window." Kendall shook his head. "Kendall…" Mrs. Knight said, threateningly.

He lifted his head up and wiped his eyes. "I th-threw s-something," he answered her, trying to catch his breath.

Mrs. Knight walked over to the window and looked down to see the hockey stick lying on the ground, perfectly intact.

"Why did you do that?" she questioned him in an unusually calm voice.

"'Cause I hate my life," Kendall said.

"Why do you hate your life?"

"'Cause Daddy's gone."

She sat next to him again. "I realize that. I miss him too. And life is going to be different without him. But we can't change that, right?" Kendall shook his head. "So just because your Daddy's not around, is that an excuse to misbehave?" Kendall shook his head again. "Look, I know everyone grieves in their own way. I've been handling the loss by spending more time with Katie. Because she makes me happy."

Kendall interrupted her. "But I don't wanna be happy," he said. "I just wanna stay here and do nothing for the rest of my life."

"So do I," Mrs. Knight confessed. "But I'm not going to let myself. Life goes on. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things are going to get better." She looked straight into Kendall's eyes and said sincerely, "Believe me, I understand why you would want to throw things. But I don't want to see you throwing your memories from Dad out the window."

"But I hate them!" he snapped at her. "I hate anything that he gave me! I hate anything that has to do with him! I just hate…I just hate everything!"

"You know what I think?" Mrs. Knight suggested. "You should get out of the house. That'll remind you that the whole world isn't bad. The mood in this house is such overwhelming sadness, and you haven't left in weeks! The rest of the world is going on like normal. And I think it would really help you to see that."

Kendall shook his head. "No, it wouldn't help me. I wanna stay here."

"Go get dressed," she said. She patted his shoulder and left. Kendall got up, went over to his dresser, and took out his Minnesota Wilds jersey and his skates. He didn't want to admit it, but he missed being on the ice. Although he wasn't sure if it would ever be the same again.

**A/N: Ok, I need to apologize. It's been a **_**really **_**long time since I posted anything. That's because I got my laptop taken away (not telling you why…), so I had to write the whole thing by hand instead of typing it, and then I had to type all of that on here. So, yeah, I'm just really sorry it took so long, and I hope some of you are still taking the time to read this! Reviews please!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I answered your requests and put some Carlos in this one. Putting James in really didn't seem to fit, and at this point in their lives, Logan was new to their school. So, I hope you like it.**

Mrs. Knight pulled up in front of a building of a bunch of small practice rinks, where Kendall and his dad used to come every weekend. He threw his bag over his shoulder, slammed the car door, blew his mom a kiss, and headed inside.

The place looked so familiar, but it felt so different.

He entered the rink that he and his dad had always used. As usual, it was empty. Kendall slipped on his skates and applied his helmet. He took the hockey stick he had just thrown out the window and a puck and stepped onto the thick ice. It didn't feel right.

For a long time, he stood in the middle and swung at the puck as if it were a golf ball. That is, until Carlos walked in.

The second he saw Kendall, his face lit up. "Kendall!" he called as he ran over to the rink's entrance. Kendall skated over and hugged him. "Oh I haven't seen you since-" Suddenly, his spirits dropped, and he loosened his grip on Kendall. "Oh, right. You doin' alright, dude?" Kendall shook his head. "I don't know what to say. I've never been through anything like this. Um…wanna play some one-on-one? That always cheers you up!"

"Sure," Kendall said, glumly. "But I haven't played in at least a month."

"It's cool, I'll go easy," Carlos said, sympathetically.

Carlos won the game 5-0.

"Are you sure you wanna be here?" Carlos asked as they skated off the ice together.

"No," Kendall responded. "I wanna die, and my mom knows that. But she told me leaving my room would help."

They took their helmets off and sat on the bench. Carlos took a sip from his water bottle and then continued. "But why here?"

Kendall shrugged. "I was mad. Thought maybe hitting something would make me feel better."

"Good point. Do you think it helped at all?" Kendall's eyes filled with tears. He wiped them on his sleeve and tried to make it look like he wasn't crying. Unfortunately, one escaped. Then another. Then another. Then a deluge of tears came pouring down his face.

"Carlos! Help me! What do I do? I can't do this anymore!" His words echoed in the big room.

"What? Can't do what?"

"I can't live without him! It's like-like every time I try to forget about him, he's there. And the memories won't go away! All the days we spent together here. But then he left. He said he was coming back!"

"Kenny," Carlos began and hugged his best friend, "he meant to come back. He loved you. But he couldn't. I'm so sorry, buddy." Kendall buried his face in Carlos' shoulder.

A few minutes later, Kendall lifted his head up, let go of his friend, and wiped his tears off of his face with his hands. "Carlos?" he spoke. His voice sounded weak and vulnerable.

"Yeah?"

"You'll never tell anyone about this, right?"

"No."

And ever since then, Carlos and Kendall have been as close as brothers.

**A/N: I'm sorry about the length. I couldn't think of any more to add to it. I'm probably going to have one more chapter after this, another journal entry from Kendall, to kind of sum it all up. Please review!**


	6. Chapter 6

Ch.6

January 24, 2012

_Today's the 9__th__ anniversary of Dad's death. Well, it was actually around midnight. I miss him._

_Mom hasn't come out of her room yet. It's noon, and I'm starting to get worried. But I'll let her do what she wants today. It's tough._

_The other guys left us the apartment for the day, just like on his birthday. I think they went to the pool. I'm not sure. I'm not thinking straight today._

_I can't tell if living without Dad is getting any easier. One thing's for sure: life will never be the same again. It's just a new reality._

_I guess I've realized something since Dad died. Everything in our lives- everything that happens, everything we experience- makes us who we are._

_For one thing, having my dad with me for the first eight years of my life shaped my personality. I learned how to love from him; he never stopped showing us how much he loved us. I learned how to be nice to people, how to put others first. And, of course, I wouldn't be a hockey player without him._

_On the other hand, I was shaped by the experience of losing him at such a young age. It taught me how to be strong, even when it was near impossible. It taught me how to be a leader because I had to take his place as "the man of the house". It taught me to appreciate what I have and not take it for granted because it won't always be there. It also taught me how to hide my emotions. Mom's always getting on my case about how I always look all serious, angry, hostile as she calls it. But that's what happens when you have to go on with the rest of your life without your father. I'll never be the same._

_I can't think about him anymore. It's still too hard for me. I need to get my mind off of him. Luckily, I have a plan for today. Every year on January 24__th__, I go to the rink and find someone to play a game with. That distracts me for awhile. And every year on this day, I win. I think it's because Dad is watching over me._

_I love you Dad, and I always will. Thank you for making me who I am._

**A/N: Sorry it was so short. That's the end of my first fanfic. Yay, I'm proud of myself! Thank you to everyone who read it and gave me your feedback. I hope you liked it! Tell me what you thought of it, please!**


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